There goes a layer of conditioning

I've been struggling lately. I've intentionally cleared time in my schedule because I am wanting to build a yoga teacher training. I love teaching teachers, or any student of yoga who is really curious about becoming fully embodied. I know that I have lots to offer newer teachers to become more confident in themselves and their teachings. So what's the struggle? Well I find myself using these blocks of time that I've intentionally set aside to plan my training to watch football, read, go to yoga class and make more involved recipes than my usual 'grab what's easiest'.

Of course, our culture is ingrained in me so strongly that I immediately reprimand myself. Just today I was telling my husband that I was struggling to make myself do anything. I had a massively underproductive day today. I didn't know why. I'm not used to lacking motivation.

Suddenly it dawned on me, as I thought about the last couple of months. I've completed a Sudarshian Kria course, I'm almost complete a science heavy 300 hour teacher training and I've been working hard to keep my business going through this rough season. I have struggled with some dips in my creativity and passion over that time and, really, we've all been through almost 2 years now of low-grade stress that has sucked the joy out of so many things.

I process my world physically. I love to workout and that's been in a bit of a slump for a few weeks now. Pre-pandemic, I used to hug at least 10 people every single day. And I mean good hugs, not the crappy, tap your back type ones. Physical touch is one of my big love languages (if you don't know about love languages btw, I highly recommend doing the quiz to find out yours https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes )

When I look at all that I just wrote, it's obvious that I'm burnt out. The lack of joy is adding up. Its insidious. I've been helping people through burnout and all the while it was creeping up on me.

I know that I need rest and I do give myself rest. What I didn't realize that I had a belief about how much rest I am allowed. The amount of stress (good and bad) in my life right now requires more rest and the amount of rest I need right now is more than my brain tells me is allowed. Because I didn't allow myself what it needed, my body stopped feeling as energetic and my mind went on autopilot. They couldn't do what I was asking of them.

What am I going to do? Well, nothing drastic. I think I caught it at a point where simply recognizing my pattern has created a lifting of energy on it's own. I already feel better about needing to recharge. No more guilt (well maybe just less, but I'm working on it).

I'm going to give myself permission to rest until I feel fully rested. I'm going to get out and play, go to yoga and lift heavy things. I'm not going to feel bad about surfing the internet learning about the ocean. I'm going to re-inspire myself and let my creativity come back when it's ready.

Have a great night. I'm going to put my feet up and watch some football with less guilt now. I hope that you can relate, and maybe find a way to let yourself off from unreasonable expectations you may have of yourself.